Friday afternoon chuckle.

Texas Beer Joint Sues Church!

In Mt. Vernon, Texas, Drummond’s Bar began construction on expansion of their building to increase their business.

In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right
up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground!

After the bar burning to the ground by a lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about “the power of prayer,” until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church . . .”was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.”

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building’s demise.

The judge read through the plaintiff‘s complaint and the defendant’s reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, “I don’t know how I’m going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that now does not.”

~Steve~                            H/T  Mr. Grouchy

An Arab enters a taxi in New York…

Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and, in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which is music of the infidel’s and certainly no radio ……..

So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, stops the cab and opens the back door.

The Arab asks him: “What are you doing man?”

The cabby answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis. So get the f*** out and wait for a camel.”

~Steve~         H/T   Grouchy

 

Afternoon Laugh.

There was a knock on the door this past Sunday morning.

I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing
there who said: “Good morning, I’m a Jehovah’s Witness.”

So I said, “Come in and sit down.”

I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked “What do you
want to talk about?”

He said, “Beats the rap out of me, I’ve never gotten this far!”
~Steve~         H/T Joseph

Life is just a matter of seconds sometimes. Think about it.

Me (in a tizzy) : God, can I ask you something?

GOD: Sure.

Me: Promise you won’t get mad?

GOD: I promise.

Me (frustrated): Why did you let so much stuff happen to me today?

GOD: What do you mean?

Me: Well I woke up late,

GOD: Yes

Me: My car took forever to start,

GOD: Okay….

Me (growling): At lunch, they made my sandwich wrong and I had to wait

GOD: Hmmmm..

Me: On the way home, my phone went dead, just as I picked up a call

GOD: All right

Me (loudly): And to top it all off, when I got home, I just wanted to soak my feet in my foot massager and relax, but it wouldn’t work. Nothing went right today! Why did you do that?

GOD: Well let me see….. the death angel was at your bed this morning and I had to send one of the other angels to battle him for your life. I let you sleep through that.

Me (humbled): Oh…

GOD: I didn’t let your car start because there was a drunk driver on your route that might have hit you if you were on the road

Me (ashamed): Uhhh …………

GOD: The first person who made your sandwich today was sick and I didn’t want you to catch what they have, I knew you couldn’t afford to miss work

Me (embarrassed): Oh…..

GOD: Your phone went dead because the person that was calling was going to give a false witness about what you said on that call, I didn’t even let you talk to them so you would be covered

Me (softly): I see, God

GOD: Oh and that foot massager, it had a short that was going to throw out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn’t think you wanted to be in the dark.

Me: I’m sorry, God.

GOD: Don’t be sorry, just learn to trust me ……… in all things, the good and the bad

Me: I WILL trust you, God ~!

GOD: And don’t doubt that my plan for your day is always better than your plan

Me: I won’t God. And let me just tell you God, thank you for everything today.

GOD: You’re welcome child. It was just another day being your God and I love looking after my children.

Scriptural References: II Samuel 22:31, Proverbs 3:5, Hebrews 2:13

“The generous will prosper; those who refresh others will themselves be refreshed.. ..” (Proverbs 11:25)

Kathryn Kemp

http://www.joyfulnoisepress.com/

~Steve~                             H/T  Grouchy

 

And on the seventh day God rested

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found Him resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, “Where have you been?”

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made.”

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?”

“It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a place to test Balance.”

“Balance?” inquired Michael, “I’m still confused.”

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.

“For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.”

God continued pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”

The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a land area and said, “What’s that one?”

“That’s Utah, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, the ocean, lakes, forests, hills and plains. The people from Utah are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace and producers of good things.”

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, “But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance.”

God smiled, “Right across from Utah is Washington, D.C. Wait till you see the idiots I put there.”

~Steve~                 H/T Richard

Words. They have meaning. And are fun.

Now that has got to leave a bruise.

 

Did you know “listen” and “silent” use the same letters?

Do you know that the words “race car” spelled backwards

still spells “race car”?

And that “eat” is the only word that if you take the

first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past

tense “ate”?

And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters

in “illegal immigrants,” and add just a few more letters, it

spells:

“Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking,

baby-making, non-English-speaking jackasses and take those other

hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding,

goat-loving, raggedy-ass bastards with you.”

How weird is that!

Here are just a few more.

Recession is when your neighbor loses his job.
Depression is when you lose your job.
Recovery is when Obama loses his job!

~Steve~                    H/T   Jean

If Jeff Foxworthy Took On Muslim Terrorists.

Hey, He says it's funny. So lighten up.

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

You may be a Muslim

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.

You may be a Muslim

3. You have more wives than teeth.

You may be a Muslim

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.

You may be a Muslim

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

You may be a Muslim

6. You can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared Jihad against.

You may be a Muslim

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

You may be a Muslim

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

You may be a Muslim

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

You may be a Muslim

10. Your cousin is president of the United States .

You may be a Muslim

~Steve~       H/T  igor

Today’s Chuckle. You’re Gonna Need It After My Next Post.

A little girl asked her mother: “How did the human race appear?” The mother answered: “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made..” Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered: “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”

The confused girl returned to her mother and said: “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God and Dad said they developed from monkeys?” The mother answered: “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”‘

~Steve~

Tuesday Morning Chuckle.

An 86-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his test results come back normal. The doctor says, ” Gary everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?” Gary replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, *poof* the light goes on. When I’m done, *poof* the light goes off.” “Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Gary ‘s wife. “Marianne, he says, Gary is doing fine but I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof * the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, *poof* the light goes off?” “OH MY!” Marianne exclaims.!!!!” “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again.”

You Can’t Hang This One On Me Copper…

Two little boys, ages 8 and 6, are excessively mischievous.*

They are always getting into trouble and their parents
know if any mischief occurs in their town,
the two boys are probably involved.

The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town
had been successful in disciplining children,
so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 6 year old in the morning,
with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice,

sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
“Do you know where God is, son?”

The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response,
sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.*

*So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
“Where is God?
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer

The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger
in the boy’s face and bellowed, **/”WHERE IS GOD?”/**
**
The boy screamed & bolted from the room,
ran directly home & dove into his closet,
slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,
“What happened?”
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
“We’re in BIG trouble this time!”
“GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!”*

~Eowyn & Steve~           H/T    JosephF