Sunday Morning Funnies

Florida

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

“Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I’ve never before heard – I’ll let you go..”

The old gentleman paused then said, “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”

“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the trooper.

Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, “Y’all graduated from theUniversity of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everthang but my earrings.”

Louisiana

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying, “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .”

When asked why, he replied, “I’d rather be in Louisiana ‘cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world.”

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”

Bubba replied, “Did y’all see who it was?”

The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, “I got a flat tahr.”

The passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?”

The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.”

Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, “Got any ID?”

The driver replied, “Bout whut?”

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head.”

“Yep,” he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ‘cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’”

Y’all kin say whut y’all want ‘about the South, but y’all never heard o’ nobody retirin’ an’ movin’ North.

~Steve~                          H/T  Wild Bill Alaska

 

Louisiana biz to Obama: “Kiss our ass”

In the wake of the POS’s “You didn’t build that” slap-down of American businesses and entrepreneurs, signs have cropped out across the United States rebutting the POS. The most famous, thus far, is the Gaster Lumber and Hardware sign in Savannah, Georgia:

Here’s another one: A custom made sign hanging on the fence of Blue Stream Services, an oil and gas rental and supply company, located on Highway 90 in New Iberia, Louisiana.

The “We” in the sign refers to the owners, the hardworking and dedicated employees, the suppliers, and the company’s clients and customers.

H/t my friend Sol

~Eowyn

US soldier refused service at Muslim-owned Texaco station

UPDATE (July 10, 2012):

The gas station owner apologized. Go here for my follow-up on this story.

+

An American soldier in uniform walks into a Texaco station on Highway 10 in Bogalusa, Louisiana. The Muslims who own the station tell him:

“We don’t sell to your kind here.”

If the video is deleted censored by YouTube, what it shows is the exterior of the Texaco gas station, with patriotic protesters lining the road. The voice-over narrator describes the denial of service to a serviceman and that there was a previous similar incident.

H/t my friend Mark S. McGrew and FOTM’s beloved Tina.

Mark, who’s running for El Paso County Sheriff, asks this question:

“What would it be like if Jews refuse to serve Christians, blacks refuse to serve whites, whites refuse to serve Mexicans, Democrats refuse to serve Republicans, etc. etc., and everybody refuses to serve anyone not exactly like them?”

My question to the Muslims at that Louisiana Texaco station is:

“If you hate America so much because our soldiers are in ‘your land’ — Afghanistan, Iraq, and the Middle East — why are you in America? Why don’t you go back to your Muslim homeland?”

Oops!

My apologies to Terry who’d already posted this news! (See his far superior post, “I dun did it now, Cher!“). But I’m not deleting this duplicate post because it’s already received two Facebook clicks and 6 Twitters from readers who missed Terry’s original post.

Will Terry forgive Eo the dolt?

~Eowyn

Ben Swann’s Reality Check – GOP Rule 38

This was broadcast on Fox 19 Cincinnati last night. 

Friday, 2:00 PDT from  Ben Swann on the Reality Check Facebook page:

UPDATE: ON THE UNIT RULE
There has been a lot of discussion surrounding the “Unity” rule, Rule 38 at the RNC and how it can be applied. As I shared in last night’s Reality Check, the rule would prevent States or Congressional Districts from binding their delegates and forcing them to vote for only one candidate. Som…eone posted a very intelligent explanation about this on the Daily Paul that the GOP get around this rule by allowing 3 delegates, who are RNC leadership in the state to be unbound. This prevents 100% of the delegates from being a “Unit”.
There is another issue however that has not been discussed, which needs to be covered. If Congressman Paul continues to win delegates in the Bound states, he may assign those delegates. A lawyer contacted me with this information:

“I would look into the possibility of Ron Paul giving delegates to Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich to ensure they have five on the first ballot. Even under my definition of “bound” (copied from Black’s Law Dictionary), “bound” delegates can still be “assigned”. There is nothing that stops Ron Paul from selectively releasing delegates.”

Finally, there is still the issue of abstaining. More to come on that…

 

A Little Southern Humor

Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
“Where’s Henry?” the others asked.
“Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,” the successful hunter replied.
“You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?” they inquired.
“A tough call,” nodded the hunter. “But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!”
Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”
Louisiana
A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying, “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ..” When asked why, he replied, “I’d rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.”
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”
Bubba replied, “Did you see who it was?”
The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, “I have a flat tire.”
The passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?”
The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.”
Tennessee
A Tennessee State Trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, “Got any ID?”
The driver replied, “Bout whut?”
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.
The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head?”
“Yep”, he replied. “That’s why I dumpin’ it here, cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage’.
You can say what you want about the South,
But you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North

~Steve~                               H/T  Miss Miranda

Increase in Carcinogens in Gulf Water

Scientists of Oregon State University (OSU) found that levels of some cancer-causing oil compounds rose significantly in the waters off the Louisiana coast during the BP spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

Bettina Boxall of the Los Angeles Times reports on October 2, 2010 that Kim Anderson, an OSU environmental toxicology professor, found a 40-fold increase in polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons, or PAHs, from May to June. “It’s an incredibly huge jump in concentration in a natural environment,” said
Anderson. “It’s a huge increase that folks that deal with the more biologic side of it will have to address.” But presently she is not prepared to say what, if any, threat the elevated levels posed to the gulf environment because the OSU research team is still analyzing the results.

Anderson and her research team started testing for the contaminants a few weeks after the April 20 well blowout, taking water samples at four near-shore locations along the Gulf Coast. Results from early August, after the BP well was capped and stopped leaking, continued to show elevated levels in the water.

The amount of such hydrocarbons in crude oil varies, as does the toxicity of the compounds, which constitute a large class of chemicals. Some are not toxic at all, and some are carcinogenic, Anderson said. Her gulf samples included all three types.

Lisa Faust, communications director for the Louisiana Department of Health and Hospitals, said her agency did not have enough information on the Oregon research to comment. But she added that state testing of seafood harvest areas had not detected harmful levels of the pollutant. “In all our samples of water we tested, at the most there were trace levels of PAHs — and nothing at the level that poses risks to human health,” Faust said.

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration continues to reopen federal waters in the gulf to commercial fishing. Last week Rear Adm. Paul Zukunft, who is taking over management of the federal spill response, said the government’s extensive testing of gulf seafood has had “no detects whatsoever of any” PAHs.

In an e-mail, a spokeswoman for the federal Environmental Protection Agency said the agency had “analyzed more than 1,600 water and sediment samples alone” as part of its response to the BP spill “and found very few samples with chemicals at levels above concerns to aquatic life and no samples with chemicals at levels of concern to human health.”

~Eowyn