Difference Between Grandpas And Grandmas.

 

Why Grandfathers are different! 

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son’s family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time — pancakes, ice cream, candy– just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. “Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?” he asked.

Not really, PaPa, it was boring. We didn’t see a single butthead, queer, lesbian, piece of crap, horse’s ass, socialist left wing Obama lover, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!”

We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw.

I really didn’t have any fun. 

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?

~Steve~                       H/T   Ken L.

 

We Need A Laugh Or Two. Hope This Does It.

 

Baby Mole

A daddy mommy and baby mole are in their hole relaxing one morning when daddy mole sticks his head out of the hole and says, “I smell pancakes”.

Mommy mole sticks her head out the tiny hole and says, “I smell pancakes too…pancakes with maple syrup!! Baby mole come smell the pancakes with maple syrup”.

Baby mole sticks his head upwards to get to the hole and exclaims “I cant smell anything but moleasses?!”

————————————————————————————————–

Sex vs Secs

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, “,Daddy, what is sex?”,

The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.

He proceeded to tell her all about the ‘birds and the bees’. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, “,Why did you ask this question?”,

The little girl replied, “Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.”    ( Ouch )

~Steve~                                       H/T   http://dailyjokes.co

 

My darkest Christmas Eve

It was December 1970. I had been raised in a loving Catholic home, and always celebrated Christmas. But now, in my 2nd Christmas after high school I didn’t know if I believed anymore.

I was caught in the spell of “Woodstock Nation”, and on Christmas Eve, instead of gathering with family and going to church, I took a night time walk alone through the woods to a meadow where my friends and I would meet in the summer. The night wasn’t very cold, but lacking the joy of Christmas, my heart was in a deep chill. I have only felt that bleak on perhaps 3 occasions, but this was the most profound.

Within a year from that date I would end up losing a semester to mononucleosis, in a moment of tachycardia, submit to the Lordship of Jesus Christ, while recovering from mono, read Lord of the Rings, meet some wonderful Christian people, begin attending a Charismatic Episcopal church, find and lose the girl of my dreams, discover the truest love is the love of God, lose friends, make friends.  It was a turbulent year, but one thing I can say is, I’ve never spent another Christmas without the fellowship of the King born 2000 years earlier.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a GOOD night.

~ TD

5 Yr Old’s First Job. Heart-warming!

Here’s a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers which will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually, the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there, to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a “pay” envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.”

“Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”

The little girl replied, “I will, if those schmuck’s at Lowe’s ever deliver the frigging sheet rock…”

Kind of brings a tear to the eye – doesn’t it?

~Steve~                                         H/T     Grouchy

The Church Dinner.

A group of friends from the Peninsula Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.
The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. She decided to have mushroom smothered steak.
But mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, “No mushrooms. They are too high.”
He said, “Why don’t you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.”
She said, “No, some wild mushrooms are poison.”
He said, “Well, I see varmints eating them and they’re OK.”
So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol’ Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol’ Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, Janet watched Ol’ Spot and the wild mushrooms didn’t seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve.
After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played ’42′ and dominoes. About then, the helper lady came in and whispered in Janet’s ear.
She said, “Mrs. Williams, Ol’ Spot is dead.”
Janet went into hysterics.
After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, “That’s bad, but I think we can take care of it.
I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quickly as possible.
We’ll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone’s stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.”
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, “I think everything will be fine now,” and he left.
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and whispered to Janet…

“You know, that fellow that run over Ol’ Spot never even stopped.”

~Steve~               H/T  Joseph

This has to be Little Johnny’s Cousin.

 

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

I would have given him 100%!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
Lunch *& dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet.

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four
apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it
take four men to build it?
* No time at all, as the wall is already built

Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
~Steve~             H/T    Joseph’s friend Tom o.

Update!!! Grouchy!!! Update!!!

Grouchy is Kicken Butt!!!!!!

Just rec’d e-mail from Rose Ann.

Hi Steve,
What a difference a couple of days make.  Grouchy is on the mend and I spoke with 2 of his doctors today.  They took him off IV’s and put him on a regular diet and said if could tolerate that, they would release him tomorrow into my capable hands.  LOL
I have to be honest with you Steve.  We almost lost him because of his cardiologist.  Needless to say that cardiologist is no longer going to get near him. (Hey Give me the word, I’ll have a chat with him. ) We have a new one who worked very hard over the weekend to keep him here with us a while longer and he told me that the one up in Denver almost killed him with the drugs he prescribed. So Grouchy fought hard to stay and I will be happy when I get him here.
Thank you for remembering him in your prayers.
Rose Ann

A Day late and a Turkey short.

 

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon an old man carrying a wild turkey under his arm.

He stopped and asked the man, ‘Where did you get that turkey?’

The man replied, ‘What turkey?’

The game warden said, ‘That turkey you’re carrying under your arm.’

The man looks down and said, ‘Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!’

The game warden said, ‘Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I’m going to do to you.

If you break his leg, I’m gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I’ll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I’ll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?’

The old man said, ‘I guess I’ll just kiss his butt and let him go!’

May your stuffing be tasty,
May your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes and gravy never have a lump,
May your yams be delicious,
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!..and don’t mess with old people.
~Steve~       H/T  Tina

 

 

‘Twas the night before…Oops, wrong day. Thanksgiving Poem

Subject: The Turkey Poem

The turkey shot out of the oven
And rocketed into the air,
It knocked every plate off the table
And partly demolished a chair.
It ricocheted into a corner
And burst with a deafening boom,
Then splattered all over the kitchen,
Completely obscuring the room.

It stuck to the walls and the windows,
It totally coated the floor;
There was turkey attached to the ceiling,
Where there’d never been turkey before.
It blanketed every appliance;

It smeared every saucer and bowl;
There wasn’t a way I could stop it;
That turkey was out of control.
I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,
And thought with chagrin as I mopped,

I’d never again stuff a turkey
With popcorn that hadn’t been popped.

~Steve~       Big H/T    Grouchy

One drink too many

An Irishman is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years his son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the pub, tearfully tells his son he is proud of him, and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.

While all the patrons look on curiously, the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooosh! Plop!!

A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant ‘Take another drink!’

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.

The pub goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again

The patrons chant, ‘Take another drink! Take another drink!!’ The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The pub is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees, and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs, stumbles to the left, then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says,

“He should’ve quit while he was a head.”

~Badaboom~

Groannnnnn.

~Steve~      H/T   Joseph