A Word to the Wise

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H/T My friend Gay in Everett

~LTG

A Little Boy Explains God

This was written by an 8-year-old named Danny Dutton, who lives in Chula Vista, CA. He wrote it for his third grade homework assignment – to “explain God.” 

H/t Fellowship co-founder Joan.

~Eowyn 

EXPLANATION  OF GOD

One of God’s main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn’t make grownups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way he doesn’t have to take up his valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.

God’s second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times beside bedtime. God doesn’t have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because he hears everything, there must be a terrible lot of noise in his ears, unless he has thought of a way to turn it off.

God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn’t go wasting his time by going over your mom and dad’s head asking for something they said you couldn’t have.

Atheists are people who don’t believe in God. I don’t think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren’t any who come to our church.

Jesus is God’s Son. He used to do all the hard work, like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn’t want to learn about God. They finally got tired of him preaching to them and they crucified him. But he was good and kind, like his father, and he told his father that they didn’t know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said O.K.

His dad (God) appreciated everything that he had done and all his hard work on earth so he told him he didn’t have to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in heaven. So he did. And now he helps his dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones he can take care of himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important.

You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.

You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there’s anybody you want to make happy, it’s God!  Don’t skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn’t come out at the beach until noon anyway.

If you don’t believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can’t go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He’s around you when you’re scared, in the dark or when you can’t swim and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids.

But…you shouldn’t just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and he can take me back anytime he pleases; so I better try to figure out what he wants me to do for Him.

And…that’s why I believe in God.

Fuel Efficient Cars Use Less Gas? Let’s Just Tax the Whole Road!

We have seen the future of taxation, and it suspiciously resembles absurdity.

In the past several years, thanks to expensive oil, more efficient cars, and the green movement urging people to drive less, local sales taxes on gasoline are reaping less and less revenue.

What shall cities do? Raise property taxes? Raise the price of a driver’s license? Nah, those things can’t very well replace a consumption tax.

You see, no matter how expensive it might be to get a driver’s license renewed, it’s paid in one wad and not needed again for a few more years. What these cities need are more consumption taxes – a steady flow of income to pay for those monthly pension checks.

So how do you make up for a floundering gas tax? It’s all very simple. Just say from now on a road is a utility, like water or electricity, and people have to pay to consume it. And the best part? Using a public street doesn’t even mean you have to drive a car! Those skateboarders are going somewhere aren’t they? They’re consuming space on a public street! Tax them for it!!

Three years ago, this genius idea became law – with almost no media fanfare – in cities throughout Oregon. Oh, you haven’t heard of this before? What, you actually expect CNN to warn you of the dangers of progressive tax policies???

Cities in Oregon have been able to impose it quite handily. And now since it’s been such a smashing success, it recently made its way to Kansas.

Here’s how it works: all public transportation routes, from large downtown streets to small residential roads, are treated as a utility which citizens consume. If your house comes with a driveway attached to some  public road, it means you’re getting the benefit of that road. Whether you walk, bike, skateboard, drive, skip, mosey, dance, somersault, or otherwise propel your body down that road….you’re welcome for the city providing it.

Now pay the price for it. Some genius researchers at the Institute of Traffic Engineers determined that the typical household makes an average of nine unique trips every day. That’s nine daily uses of pavement. In Kansas, the annual fee attached to every home is $72.

What of really big retail stores with even more traffic? Jackpot! The city of Mission, Kansas is ready to slap a bill for $64,000 on Target. A year. The customer must pay for both the trip there and the trip home, and Target must also pay for the exact same customer to park there – on top of already having paid property taxes.

It wasn’t until ministers at local churches started getting bills did people really worry. That’s right, it even applies to religious nonprofits. Because, you understand, it’s not a tax, it’s the price of consumption. One large church told Fox News its annual bill was $1700.

Yes, yes, we know that means $1700 less for a soup kitchen or a domestic abuse shelter – but those highway construction contracts don’t pay for themselves.

As cities and states continue racking up debt they can’t pay for, prepare yourself for this bill to come to your mailbox next.

Trust me. It’s not “if” at this point, it’s “when.”

-Candance

 

Misadventures at Church

Apparently not everyone read my advice last week. Look at what happened to me today:

And the irony of it all – even though I wore it through the whole service, no one bothered reading it.

Time to moveon.org

-Candance

Evangelical’s Island

Yesterday the Fellowship took a friendly jab at the difference between Catholics and Protestants. In a show of good sportsmanship, I thought I’d share a popular joke among Evangelicals.

Once day the United States Navy was sailing past a small deserted island when they began to see distress signals. The Captain decided to check it out.

They landed on the beach of the island. A man came running toward them, scruffy beard, dirty clothes, as if he’d been there a long time.

“Thank the Lord for answered prayers!” he said. “I’m an evangelical missionary, and I got stranded on this island about six months ago.”

The Captain looked around. “You seem to be doing okay for yourself. Nice fire, stack of wood. You even built three little huts on the beach here.”

“I was all alone, but God took care of me.”

As they boarded the ship to leave, the Captain couldn’t ignore a sense of curiosity. He glanced back at the three little buildings.

“Tell me something. If you are all alone, then why did you build three huts?”

“Oh that’s easy,” the evangelical said. “That first one there was my house. That one in the middle is my old church before I didn’t like it there anymore. The third one is my new church.”

-Candance

 

You Took My Place!

YOU TOOK MY PARKING SPACE AT CHURCH

One day, a man went to visit a church. 

He got there early, parked his car and got out. Another car pulled up near the driver got out and said, “I always park there! You took my place!”

The visitor went inside for Sunday School, found an empty seat and sat down. A young lady from the church approached him and stated, “That’s my seat! You took my place!” The visitor was somewhat distressed by this rude welcome, but said nothing.

After Sunday School, the visitor went into the sanctuary and sat down. Another member walked up to him and said, ” That’s where I always sit! You took my place!” The visitor was even more troubled by this treatment, but still he said nothing.

Later as the congregation was praying for Christ to dwell among them, the visitor stood up, and his appearance began to change….

Horrible scars became visible on his hands and on his sandaled feet.

Someone from the congregation noticed him and called out, “What happened to you?”

The visitor replied, as his hat became a crown of thorns, and a tear fell from his eye, “I took your place.”

A big h/t to beloved fellow Doc’s Wife.

~Eowyn

Exhorting the Church: How to Connect with Visitors to Your Service

A common complaint from nearly every dedicated church member is the lack of confidence when greeting visitors. Members often say they’re eager to be friendly but don’t know how to strike the right tone.

Given the shape of our country these days, churches should recognize that more and more people are becoming hungry, fearful, bankrupt, and desperate. Churches should be prepared to deal with this by knowing how to reach out to their neighborhood.

Yet making new folks feel welcome does not happen accidentally. It takes some thought and discussion in advance to form a welcoming strategy that works for your flock. As someone who frequently travels and has visited hundreds of churches in dozens of cities, I’ve seen some tricks that work and some that don’t. Below is a simple list of dos and don’ts that can help begin the discussion in your church.

• DON’T embarrass me. This means no nametags, no announcing my arrival with a megaphone, and no stopping the announcements to point me out. I’m looking for a place where I can easily blend in.
• DON’T act too cool. By the flip side, this doesn’t mean you act like having a visitor is no big deal. Greet me as if you would greet a visitor to your home: with casual warmth.
• DON’T make me park on the street. Talk with your regular members about leaving the closest parking spaces open. If it’s my first trip to your neighborhood I’m reluctant to take any chances.
• DON’T have awkward silence before service. Nothing scares me away from a church faster than to see members stand around chatting with no focus on the Lord until someone gives the “cue” to start worshiping. Set the atmosphere with soft music and encourage your members to “enter His court with praise.”
• DON’T let me flounder after I walk in the door. I’m going to be too shy to ask you where the bathroom is. Offer to walk me into the sanctuary or at least direct me where to go next.
• DON’T send a thousand people to greet me. The names will all blur together and I’ll end up feeling like I didn’t connect with anyone. It’s better to focus on getting maybe half a dozen to actually have a conversation with me. And one of those people needs to be the same age as me.
• DON’T ask about where I live or what I do for a living. If I’m unemployed you just brought up a sore subject. If I’m nervous about meeting you I don’t want to reveal my address. Focus on why I’m visiting church.

Having said all that, let’s look at some positive steps you can actively take.

• DO ask what prompted my visit. Am I new in town? Lonely? Looking for answers?
• DO have someone from the priest/pastor’s family invite me to sit with them. This happened at a church in Seattle once and it impressed me tremendously. Even if I decline, I’ll notice the gesture. It means your church is not wrapped up in social cliques.
• DO have a clear definition of when service is over. Nothing confuses me more than when a pastor invites people to prayer and then wanders off stage. By all means, encourage people to pray after service, but let me know when I’m free to politely stand up.
• DO have a familiar face check on me after service. Invite me out for coffee. Offer lunch at the pastor’s house. Do something. Even if I refuse, I know the offer is open.
• DO treat children like an adult. Shake their hand, look them in the eyes, and ask them directly what their name is (don’t just ask their parents). Families are far more likely to return if the kids ask to go back.

This is not any definitive list, but it should help to break the ice and open a conversation. Either way, whatever you decide to do in your church, have a strategy in place and discuss it with your members. Empowering people to be prepared is the most important thing.

-Candance